Addressing the ever-shrinking credibility of rock journalism since 2007. With a sasquatch.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

New Year's Plans: 2010

2000 - 2010, what a decade. Like some awfull Tom Clancy book come to life. World War III got started by a rich cowboy who was AWOL during Viet Nam. The cowboy and his henchmen then stole democracy (twice!) to declare a 21st century crusade when 3000 innocent citizens were murdered by blood-thristy terrorists. This rich cowboy apparently misunderestimated his actions and thousands more have died since.

The "ooglies" weren't all evil. A reverend's dream proved true, 40 years later, when a freshman congressman and constitutional scholar took the reins of America. The Manning brothers each won Superbowl rings by defeating a pretty boy robot that called itself "Tom Brady". The Red Sox won the Series for first time since since Woodrow Wilson was in office in 1916. Then, they won it again, in 2007, thanks to a rookie Navajo kid named Ellsbury.

But, more evil things happened anyway. A worldwide ecomonic collapse forced car manufacturers, insurance companies and giant banks to close their doors. 14,000 Mexicans died in drug wars - which came out to like 14.5 Americans. Also, many more influential people died - mostly in obscurity.

The book closed on Jim Carrol, Lux Interior faded to black, George Harrison went on to his next incarnation, Cap'N Lou went down for the count, George Carlin got his last round of boo's, 1/5th of the Ventures (Bob Bogle) died the same year his band was admitted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Lame - reportedly killed when fellow inductee, Metallica, played a 45-minute-long version of "Enter Sandman".

Hunter Thompson ended his lucid, literate madness, dynamite musician turned infamous pederast Michael Jackson was euthanized by his doctor. Forrest J. Ackerman died at 92, Odetta a stand-out contemporary of Bob Dylan's took her last bow, film-maker John Hughes and airhead pin-up Farrah Fawcett lived on in DVD format. Bettie Page re-surfaced long enough to have a fatal heart attack. Saddam Hussein was hung on Youtube, Ed McMahon laughed his last, the last of the Hollywood 10 Ring Lardner passed on, Chuck "Peanuts" Schulz kicked a trick football filled with TNT, John Lee Hooker died a rich man, Chet Atkins played his last solo, and Morton Downey Jr. choked to death on his own words. The decade saw the end of director Billy Wilder, Milton "Mr. Television" Berle, animator Chuck Jones, Waylon Jennings, Dave Thomas of Wendy's, John Entwhistle of the Who. The Man in Black Johnny Cash rode out to find his wife June Carter who died five months earlier followed by Barry White, Strom Thurmond, Nell "Gimme Me A Break" Carter, photographer Richard Avedon, Christopher Reeve, Marlon Brando, Ray Charles, former president Ronald Reagan, Captain Kangaroo, 3/4th's of the Ramones: Johnny Dee Dee and Joey Ramone, Rosa Parks, Johnny Carson, humanist and Nazi-era Resistance leader Pope John Paul II each made their way to their final destinations in this passing decade.

What am I saying? I'm saying: this year you totally have a legit excuse to party. Y2K didn't happen but 9/11 did. SARS didn't kill everyone, but the Swine Flu just might. The Apocalypse didn't happen but Swift-boating, Sarah Palin, Hurricane Katrina, Michael Vick and American Idol "winners" did. It's a trade-off. So, out with the old, sad, paranoid tragedy and in with the new, sad, paranoid nightmare!

Not only are DUI/OVI arrests up %500 during the holidays but there aren't very many choices to celebrate this decade as it lurches towards an inevitable close. Here's some suggestions:

December 26th
The Northside Tavern
Located in the Northside neighborhood of Cincinnati, Ohio
Featuring: Wussy and The Sundresses
4163 Hamilton Avenue
Cincinnati, OH. 45223
(513) 542-3603
Free @ 11PM

December 28th
Southgate House
Located in Newport, Kentucky
Featuring: The Heartless Bastards and J. Dorsey Blues Revival
24 East 3rd St.
Newport, KY 41071
(859) 431-2201
$17 ADV / $20 DOS @ 8PM
Free @ 8PM

December 31st
Radio Radio
Located in Downtown Indy
Featuring: Born Again Floozies and The Leisure Kings
1119 Prospect Street
Indianapolis, IN 46203-1936
(317) 955-0995
$15 DOS @ 8PM

The Melody Inn
Located in North Indy
Featuring: JJ Pearson Project, The Luxury Pushers, and Buttoms Up Burlesque
3826 N. Illinois St.
Indianapolis, IN 46208
(317) 923-4707
$5 DOS @ 8PM

New Year's Eve Party
Located in Downtown Muncie, Indiana
Starting at the 400 block of Walnut Street
Free @ 10:30PM

Have some fun, be safe and get yourself ready for flying cars, HAL and Ultra-A.I.D.S.! Happy New Year, suckers!


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